This story came to me anonymously via e-mail, the author, a fellow Vietnam Veteran. After reading his story, I felt compelled to share this with you on my blog. If you didn’t participate in the Vietnam war, this will give you some insight into how our minds work. He writes:
A couple of years ago someone asked me if I still thought about Vietnam. I nearly laughed in their face. How do you stop thinking about it? Every day for the past forty years, I wake up with it – I go to bed with it. This was my response:
“Yeah, I think about it. I can’t stop thinking about it. I never will. But, I’ve also learned to live with it. I’m comfortable with the memories. I’ve learned to stop trying to forget and learned instead to embrace it. It just doesn’t scare me anymore.”
A lot of my “brothers” haven’t been so lucky. For them the memories are too painful, their sense of loss too great. My sister told me of a friend she has whose husband was in the Nam. She asks this guy when he was there.
Here’s what he said, “Just last night.” It took my sister a while to figure out what he was talking about. JUST LAST NIGHT. Yeah, I was in the Nam. When? Just last night, before I went to sleep, on my way to work this morning, and over my lunch hour. Yeah, I was there.
My sister says I’m not the same brother who went to Vietnam. My wife says I won’t let people get close to me, not even her. They are probably both right. Ask a vet about making friends in Nam. It was risky. Why? Because we were in the business of death, and death was with us all the time. It wasn’t the death of, “If I die before I wake.” This was the real thing. The kind where boys scream for their mothers. The kind that lingers in your mind and becomes more real each time you cheat it. You don’t want to make a lot of friends when the possibility of dying is that real, that close. When you do, friends become a liability.
A guy named Bob Flanigan was my friend. Bob Flanigan is dead. I put him in a body bag one sunny day, April 29, 1969. We’d been talking, only a few minutes before he was shot, about what we were going to do when we got back to the world. Now, this was a guy who had come in country the same time as me. A guy who was loveable and generous. He had blue eyes and sandy blond hair.
When he talked, it was with a soft drawl. I loved this guy like the brother I never had. But, I screwed up. I got too close to him. I broke one of the unwritten rules of war. DON’T GET CLOSE TO PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING TO DIE. You hear vets use the term “buddy” when they refer to a guy they spent the war with. “Me and this buddy a mine.”
Friend sounds too intimate, doesn’t it? “Friend” calls up images of being close. If he’s a friend, then you are going to be hurt if he dies, and war hurts enough without adding to the pain. Get close; get hurt. It’s as simple as that. In war you learn to keep people at that distance my wife talks about. You become so good at it, that forty years after the war, you still do it without thinking. You won’t allow yourself to be vulnerable again.
My wife knows two people who can get into the soft spots inside me – my daughters. I know it bothers her that they can do this. It’s not that I don’t love my wife. I do. She’s put up with a lot from me. She’ll tell you that when she signed on for better or worse, she had no idea there was going to be so much of the latter. But with my daughters it’s different.
My girls are mine. They’ll always be my kids. Not marriage, not distance, not even death can change that. They are something on this earth that can never be taken away from me. I belong to them. Nothing can change that. I can have an ex-wife; but my girls can never have an ex-father. There’s the difference. I can still see the faces, though they all seem to have the same eyes. When I think of us, I always see a line of “dirty grunts” sitting on a paddy dike. We’re caught in the first gray silver between darkness and light. That first moment when we know we’ve survived another night, and the business of staying alive for one more day is about to begin. There was so much hope in that brief space of time. It’s what we used to pray for. “One more day, God. One more day.”
And I can hear our conversations as if they’d only just been spoken I still hear the way we sounded. The hard cynical jokes, our morbid senses of humor. We were scared to death of dying, and tried our best not to show it.
I recall the smells, too. Like the way cordite hangs on the air after a fire-fight. Or the pungent odor of rice paddy mud. So different from the black dirt of Iowa. The mud of Nam smells ancient, somehow. Like it’s always been there. And I’ll never forget the way blood smells, sticky and drying on my hands. I spent a long night that way once. That memory isn’t going anywhere.
I remember how the night jungle appears almost dreamlike as the pilot of a Cessna buzzes overhead, dropping parachute flares until morning. That artificial sun would flicker and make shadows run through the jungle. It was worse than not being able to see what was out there sometimes. I remember once looking at the man next to me as a flare floated overhead. The shadows around his eyes were so deep that it looked like his eyes were gone. I reached over and touched him on the arm; without looking at me he touched my
hand. “I know man. I know.” That’s what he said. It was a human moment. Two guys a long way from home and scared to death.
God, I loved those guys. I hurt every time one of them died. We all did. Despite our posturing. Despite our desire to stay disconnected, we couldn’t help ourselves. I know why Tim O’Brien writes his stories. I know what gives Bruce Weigle the words to create poems so honest I cry at their horrible beauty. It’s love. Love for those guys we shared the experience with.
We did our jobs like good soldiers, and we tried our best not to become as hard as our surroundings. You want to know what is frightening. It’s a nineteen-year-old-boy who’s had a sip of that power over life and death that war gives you. It’s a boy who, despite all the things he’s been taught, knows that he likes it. It’s a nineteen-year-old who’s just lost a friend, and is angry and scared and, determined that, “some *@#*s gonna pay”. To this day, the thought of that boy can wake me from a sound sleep and leave me staring at the ceiling.
As I write this, I have a picture in front of me. It’s of two young men. On their laps are tablets. One is smoking a cigarette. Both stare without expression at the camera. They’re writing letters. Staying in touch with places they would rather be. Places and people they hope to see again. The picture shares space in a frame with one of my wife. She doesn’t mind. She knows she’s been included in special company. She knows I’ll always love those guys who shared that part of my life, a part she never can. And she understands how I feel about the ones I know are out there yet. The ones who still answer the question, “When were you in Vietnam?”
“Hey, man. I was there just last night.”
So was I. How about the rest of you vets – hits home doesn’t it! Please leave a comment below and then tweet, Digg, etc. this article to others so they may understand why many of today’s veteran’s behave the way they do – be it Vietnam or other conflicts, this is a common thread shared by all.
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You have said it all buddy lost my room mate you never forget in 72
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I read it once and just read it again. This time sending it a buddy. Boots on the ground for 8 months. Ets home oct 3 1970. My guess is we’ll never let it go. So this i can understand. Great read. Good job. God bless
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When I arrived to C Troop 3/4 Cav in Pleiku in 1966 I was assigned to a Mortar equipped APC. The first thing the commander of the track told me was not to make friends. Two reasons first being they might be rotating out of Country or they might going out in a body bag . So mostly it was first names or Buddy. Sleep! Between the noise of outgoing or incoming rounds and guard duty there wasn’t much sleep. 57 years later the memories are still with me.
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I was never in country, I was on board ship cruising on yankee station and up and down the Saigon River dropping percussion grenades because the cong underwater teams are trying to plant mines on ships hulls. 18 year old kids believe everything officers say. When the guns are firing you try to hide and hang on to something and scream and you can’t hear your self. These guns are 5 inch 38’s, twin mounts, fore & aft. When I hear a siren or attend a parade with all the cops and fire trucks, I try not to freak because my granddaughters are there, so I turn my back and cry; but I stand at attention and salute the stars and stripes as it passes by and I cry openly. My wife worked at local VA Hospital so she understands.
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Cannot wait to share with my friend…at 74, every morning @ 4:30 he knocks out 5 miles. When he was 69 I told my Dad that he was run ing every morning at the Park. Dad told me that Frank was cheating! Dad said the damn Army taught him to run in RECON!
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Every word of truth
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I was drafted in 1965 and luckily stayed in the USA, but I can feel the pain of those who put their life on the line. Of course the big picture question is: WHY WERE WE EVEN THERE????
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Those who were their, called it the Johnson Kennedy Money War! Brown and Root (Now called Halliburton) from Huston, Texas had all the building contracts for Southeast Asia. Who do you think build all major bases in Viet Nam? Who made millions selling war supplies? To me, DAMN DRUG DEALING DEMOCRACTS.
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https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/nixon-prolonged-vietnam-war-for-political-gainand-johnson-knew-about-it-newly-unclassified-tapes-suggest-3595441/ Both parties used our warriors like political pawns to further their political gains and to savor that exhilarating elixir called power…..
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Thank you. I was not in Nam. But I have and had people that were. This helps me understand just a little.
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First, thank you all for your service. I lived as a growing teenager when all three of my brothers went into the service. My oldest to Vietnam. He is not the same he is and always be my hero, just like my dad an my other two brothers. I won that lottery my number was to high to go. Believe me it’s like I lived that war watching everyday hoping that my brother would come home. I love you guys and will always remember that war. TMB
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This was a great story and should be ready by anyone that stayed home. Thank you for writing and posting.
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I was in the 101st and received orders to go to 173rd. While I was home on leave to go to Okinawa the 173rd was sent to Viet Nam. I was young and stupid. I couldn’t believe that our government would trade lives for money! But, money won out. Politicians made millions and we were KIA, MIA, or so screwed up we couldn’t adjust. This the first time in almost 60 years that I truly enjoyed Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. Without wanting to be island all by myself or go ahead and kill myself. I couldn’t show my kids love and now their not close to me! Always Remember: GOD LOVES YOU AND ME!!!
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Thank you for your service
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Well said Sir. I was 20 years old when I made the journey to the Nam. While I had a pretty decent duty assignment, I was somewhat of a daredevil and volunteered often to fly with our WO’s on various missions. Fortunately I made it home in one piece by the Grace of God but like you, I relive it every day. God bless you for your service to America and “Welcome Home Brother”.
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USMC. Post Nam. I employed a Nam ranger, motorcycles. He never got over it. But my work provided enuff distraction I think. Good man, big heart.
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I think you nailed it. I think you found the words and said it so people may understand better. I was a grunt in the 101st in 70/71. Welcome home.
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So so True!
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Touches me in ways I thought i could put in the back of my mind.
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So true. No one can understand unless they were there
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I served 3 tours in Iraq and 2 in the balkans. First article I have seen that sums up my feelings thanks
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No words! The author nails it with such a powerful vivid description. Did I say powerful? Welcome Home, Sir. Wish you were my neighbor so I could ask questions to comfort me. Your duty was obviously not a picnic. I was so lucky as the ROK Marines did their best to protect me. If the English speaker radioman was dead so was their contact with English speaking support. Be it a medivac, artillery, resupply, air support or naval gun fire. I was somewhat integral. Somewhat.
Sir, your description fleshes out what thousands went through and daily live through. Hats off and I genuflect, as I make the sign of the cross on my heart. Powerful, so powerful. Hollyweird can’t hold a candle to your words. Write a movie script Sir, it’s one I’d gladly pay to see. (personally don’t watch or purchase their shallow tripe and yeah friends and family don’t “get it” why I refuse. I did enjoy Full Metal Jacket as it spoke truth to me. Lee Ermey as the Gunny. Yeah, hollyweird snuck their nonsense in.) Your words are truth plain and simple not clouded with a political bent. It is so obvious you lived it and I suspect you still do.
It makes me wonder what my Father had running on repeat in his head daily. Dad was a Marine in the South Pacific and did the island hopping war. He was wounded on Iwo Jima 3-4-45 and almost lost his leg. The Man never, never spoke (only once about the prisoner that had been interrogated always responding, “No Savvy, No Savvy”. Put him in behind the concertina wire and he asks, “where warm chow”. Dad says Gunny grabbed a BAR and dispatched him. Only story he shared but I knew not to push him for more. I can’t imagine.
I know there are others Veterans of war that have these terror filled moments playing in their head daily. When I meet another Vet I let them speak first hoping they’ll share their trials, mine are minuscule compared to the real Hero’s walking amongst us, quietly.
Again Sir, I pay you Homage. This tale needs to be posted on the front page of every newspaper nationwide on VETERANS DAY. Blasted on every news channel, radio and television. Put in the public’s eye. Let the public know what a lot of Nam Vets lived and still have on repeat in the heads.
We, Nam Vet’s, didn’t ask for it. We did our “job” with Valor and Dedication as best we could. Plain and simple wanted to survive, get Home and put it behind (impossible I now know) us.
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I want to have empathy for you and other Nam veterans but it’s something I can’t fathom. My heart feels for your pain and loss. I wish I could make it better but not sure how except to listen. Thank you and God Bless you .
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Right to the point
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Thank you for this article,I am an 88 year old British Veteran.What a wonderful piece of reality.I was in Malaya during the 1950’s,nothing like the war in Vietnam,but plenty of jungle and slogging to do looking for CT’s.God Bless and thank all who served there.
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I feel it..it hurts..don’t talk about it much..thanks.
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I keep trying to forget what I did as a 19 year old but it comes back most nights. There is no one who can forgive me. The PTSD counselor only made it worse. The guy wanted me to tell my 4 daughters what I did over there. He’ll it took me 40 years to tell my wife. I guess some things are better left unsaid.
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I grew up in Bangkok and saw alot of soldiers when they came there on R&R. I will NEVER forget the look on their faces, that deep hollow distant look. These guys were 18, 19 years old, I was 16, couldn’t fathom what it was like being in the shit, then I enlisted in the Air Force when I was 19 and through circumstance got a taste, just a taste. GOD BLESS THEM!
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I didn’t go to Vietnam because I was abused and discriminated by pregedust whites before I got sent.
I was trained as one of the first U9 mechanic buy was forced out of Army aviation because no one wanted to fly on an airplane as bigger worked on, especially the 1st Signal group of Strat com. Fort Huachuca Arizona 1968.
I have sense spent 15 years in South East Asia resently on the Mekong Delta with my long time Cambodian sugnificant other.
At onetime I took an old rice boat down the Mekong in Lao. The people were very friendly and I felt like sending a message to a good veteran friend.
I said, what did you do to piss these people of they are friendly as hell.
He never answered.
Now that I have lived in a village on the delta and been in the rice patties and the jungle I thank God thhose racist white boys ran me out of the Army.
I got a Undesirable 212
under less than honorable conditions because I went AWOL and joined the anti war movement.
It was totally unfair because I was abused and treated horribly by white boys right here in the states and thought what the hell would it be like in Nam whith those assholes.
Anyway after trying to get my discharge up graded the VA treated me worse than the abusers did in 68.
So now I feel so sorry for the black brothers who died terrified and alone in the racist Army in the jungles and rice patties on Vietnam and all over South East Asia.
Personally I so glad for my UD 212 and have no regrets for going AWOL.
I kept my sanity do to the most part an my PTSD is nothing like what I’ve seen others go through be fore they killed themselves to end the torment of being dissed by the VA and their communities for being crazy when they got home.
Actually I think God was looking out for me, especially seening how things are turning out in the USA for black and brown folks.
I now live permeantly in South East Asia with some of the most loving and caring people in the world.
Thank God I got out of the era with half of my sanity.
Vets I hear you and I think I understand how used you feel.
God bless you and I hope you get some peaceful sleep before you die!!!
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So lm not alone, Love you brother
Welcome Home
A Grunt 68-71 1st Cav
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Simple and powerful. I will share.
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God bless all
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Thank you for sharing. I knew a few guys that went to Nam. They were K9 handlers and I always wondered if they made it back. Wish there was a list of K9 guys. I remember 2 first names and where they were from but that’s it.
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Great reading, tears of love and joy and hurts. Also there
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I did not serve in the Active Military – I was an Army Reservist from June ’69. I was a VERY lucky guy; I enlisted in my unit on 10Jun 69 – 2 days before my Draft Notice arrived in the mail.
I did Basic and AIT at Fort Jackson from November ’69 to March ’70. The fact that basic was comprised of Enlistees, Draftees, Reservists and National Guardsmen did not surprise me, having been advised of this by guys in my Reserve unit. I knew that in 4 short months I would be going home. My mantra was to maintain as low a profile as possible, keep my mouth shut and do my time. It truly embarrassed me how many Reservists and Guardsmen bitched an moaned during their short time while so many others were destined for NAM.
Basic brought the reality of NAM to light for me, especially at the end when the the ER’s and RA’s were given their MOS assignments – so many 11B’s. That is when I realized how truly fortunate I was…I could have been one of them.
I felt GUILTY of this, as if I had somehow cheated the system. And to this day I still have my moments when the “what ifs” creep into my mind.
That being said, I can’t even imagine what you NAM Vets are still dealing with – 50+ years later. You guys were dealt a bad hand and I feel for you,
Thank you for all that you have given – your sacrifice is not lost on me.
God BLESS all of you!
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My heart breaks for all of you. Both my dad and stepdad are Vietnam veterans. I have seen the hurt in their eyes and dealt with the flashbacks they endured. Never forget. You are not alone in your battles. I may not be able to “fix” the problem, but I can promise you won’t go through it alone. God bless each and every one of you.
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Very much too the point think of the times of our love one’s being far way in their minds but are at home. My father didn’t want go too war but I would have gone anyways. My father served in World War II stuff that he had seen he never talked about until the end of his lifetime he didn’t want me to go I guess because he thought I would die but like every American I would have took them bastards with me I meant the enemy but Wars something you don’t want to talk about
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This is a beautiful story to share about an unthinkably tragic time. It helped me to better understand what my late husband went through, and why he was so different when he returned home to me.
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All those thoughts especially the caution we were given during combat training as Navy Hospital Corpsman going the the Nam as combat medics with the 3rd Marine Regiment that we should not get close to our marines because when we have to wrap them in a poncho and load into a Ch 46 on their way to a burial at home it would limit our effectiveness emotionally. Yes I was just there tears streaming down my face, stopping to wipe them so I can finish this sentence. Their faces etched or burned into my memory the reason I’ve never been able to visit the memorial in DC but at 76 I’ve promised myself this year I will despite the knowledge that the tears will flow and the memories will be painful. I feel I owe my compatriots a visit and a thank you, we’re it not for their protection I wouldn’t be here to write these words through my tears.
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I left Nam in May 69. I guess I should say my body left, but not my mind. As a combat vet you say and do things that are not normal in everyday life. I too still go back on occasion. Some of those visits are not pleasant. Luckily I don’t remember most of the visits after I wake up. I’m 75 now and have learned that it will never go away. Some bad dreams never do. Learn to accept and live with it.
W. Morrow
A/1/502 101st Abn. Div.
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I to have about the same problems as you
I belive i worked with the 101 to
I was a 11-B 2/12-25inf
March 68 March 69
Glad you made it back brother BD.
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Me too I’m there every minute of the day but at least I don’t have nightmares anymore . Your story true and thank you. Pathfinder 101st all of 69 camp Eagle.
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Americal 23 Inf. 69/70. Hate it , but glad I did it🪖🪖🙏
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Thank you for sharing this. My husband was a Vietman Vet and I don’t think there was a day that went by that he wasn’t in Vietman in his mind. He’s deceased now he can be at peace.. His name was John R. Faulkiner.
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Served with the 1st Cav. In the Central highlands 68/69. 2nd LT. platoon leader. Now in my seventies and the memories are still with me. Your article expressed the views of many of us who served in combat when we were young.
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Well said brother well said we all have are demon’s to live with.
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I’m just so glad we could all find a common ground on which we can truly express our inner thoughts. Seems like all the VA wants to do is poison us and use us as guinea pigs for Big Pharma. (Were all aware of the VA scandals that steal money from veterans and so forth)
Thanks for hosting. We all appreciate what you have done for us. God Bless.
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I was a student nurse and then a nurse, in Boston, during the Vietnam War, I protested that War! Yet, I NEVER faulted our Soldiers… They were pawns and victims. They were, somehow, ‘ protecting our Democracy’ against? communism??? The exact same thing happened in the Iraq War. How do WE, The USA, define Democracy? When 9/2011 happened, we , rightly, focused on Afghanistan. But then attacked Iraq….. Neither War produced Democracies. Now, we’re engaged in Ukraine and another War for Democracy… Where we have a committed Western Unity. May this one prevail. 🙏
My life is coming to an end, and I truly wonder if War will EVER end??? 😭
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It reaches down deep into what so many have forgotten . It was a terrible time – that our boys suffered & had to come home and try to rebuild their lives.
Vietnam haunts them.
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Damn well written.
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I am the daughter of a Vietnam Veteran my dad was in the 1st Calvary 7th division he was in from April 1969 until August 14, 1969 when he was hit with a RPG. He was in the hospital for 3 months, made it home in time for when I was born, my brother was 3 years old at the time. On his 50th year Anniversary from being in Vietnam he wrote a long letter to my mom, brother and myself to explain why he was the way he was and what he had gone through. I have met a lot of Vietnam Combat Veterans, have nothing but love and respect for them. If you do not have a family member who is a combat veteran it is hard for most to understand. I have been a staunch supporter and defender for my dad. It saddens and angers me the way the Vietnam Veterans have been treated, too many backs have been turned. Now everyone who serves in the military are heroes. The plight of the Vietnam Veteran is far from over. Thank you for putting real non Hollywood stories out there to help these veterans heal.
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You have nearly made me cry ! My children are my saviours from nightmares and anger and they somehow now when I need time out and time in with love ❤️ wish your Dad well and he must just be so proud of you xxx
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Whenever I watch historical documentaries I was always analyzing how we could have done better to save more lives. It’s a tragedy and makes me cry everytime with tears in my eyes when I think of the sheer terror our boys faced whom had such a bright future ahead of them. So many boys stolen before their time was rightfully due thanks to evil itself. I envision myself on the battlefield next to them as I suspend disbelief like watching home movies from a real brother.
It didn’t matter what country, what conflict, these boys came from. They were thrust into the baptism of fire with no option of their own. The politicians told them to go but kept their ivy league safe.
“So that others may live”.
I stopped caring because if my life could have saved one of my own, or two or hell even 9..I would have done so in an instant.
That is the true meaning of a blood brother. One team. One fight. Semper Fidelis. Till every man woman and child comes home.
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You have nearly made me cry ! My children are my saviours from nightmares and anger and they somehow now when I need time out and time in with love ❤️ wish your Dad well and he must just be so proud of you xxx
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Yeah. Just a minute ago I was there…Just a minute ago. 1966-67-71-72. Long Bien, Chu Lai, Michigan Rubber plantation, Cambodia, Lios., black virgin mountain, old French fort, Ta Ninh..Vung tau…Combat infantry, Long Range Reconnaissance Patrol, 4TH DIV., 196TH LIGHT INFANTRY BRIGADE….I was wounded there 4 times…I was just there….no one came home with me…I was there just a minute ago….
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Very heartfelt I was in Nam 70-72 Chu Lia 369 trans then they moved me to Long Bin 10Trans I haul ammunition/fuel/food/weapons to replace the damaged ones
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Not Vietnam but another jungle. I’d been with my wife for 30+ years before I talked about any of it with her. She learned long ago to never wake me up by shaking me, especially if I’m sweating. On the worst nights I’m visited by the faces that haunt me.
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My experience in Vietnam was quite different from my in country brothers. I am ex navy, two tours between 1966-1967, on two different ships. Day’s and day’s of mind-numbing boredom followed by weeks of exhaustion from weeks of shore bombardment. Always aware of my high-school friends in danger in the jungles I could see from my ship. I came home in Dec. 1967. Got a letter from my best friend saying he would be home in a couple of weeks. While I was reading his letter his sister called to tell me he was killed in the Tet offensive.
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God Bless you men for your service but by GodsGrace I would have been right thet with you men I broke my arm at 16 freak farm accident a lot of my friend s gave there all for our freedom I was so ashamed how our heros were treated back home the average person in the USAhave no clue that WAR IS HELL I pray God give you peace turn to JESUS CHRIST HE will carry you through GOD BLESS
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It’s not a question of whether we should have been there or not. WE WERE THERE. And those that made it back to the world were treated like baby killers. We were spat on by people of our generation. I wanted to just end my life more times than i care to think. Yes i was in Vietnam today and last night. I also was in the USA when treated like a killer. The people in South Vietnam treated me better than my now country men. To those that said we shouldn’t have been there i say WE WERE and i am the man i am today because of it. I have seen death and have caused death which i will live with for the rest of my life. I took an oath to defend this country against all enemy’s both foreign and domestic and if i was asked tomorrow i would say lets go. As the writer stated that his girls were his he is absolutely correct. I have three wonderful children and 5 Grandchildren that are here because i chose to fight both in war and in peace. I fought the demons that will haunt me for the rest of my earthly life.
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I couldn’t help but relive every single word of your story. This green seed traded peaches and pound cake for ham and motherfuckers on my first mission. The other soldier, who’s DEROS was two weeks, was so pleased he gave me his knife. The next day two guys in front of me, he was blown up by a booby trap. Welcome to Nam.
My throat gets tight and pit in my chest forces me into a mixture of dark emotions.
“Thank you for your service” they say now. Huh!
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I am a veteran that was drafted during the Korean conflict but after all the fighting was completed. We owe so much to those that served in Nam and saw many days of hardship with death staring them in the face. My thanks go out to each one of you and especially to my in law, Maro Gonzales who served and sent this to me. We should all be thankful for those that served to protect our freedom. . Mario your my
hero and we love you.
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Foxtrot 2/1 Marines. 0331 late 1966-early 1968. S/F I get it. I will never forget.
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I tried to enlist, but was refused because of Hearing issues, but I knew way too many young guys who did serve and either did not come home or came home completely changed. It really pissed me off when that Officer was court martialed, for killing some civilians, when he was only trying to protect his own people and for people to call returning Vets “Baby Killers”, not to mention I believe it was President Carter who pardoned those cowards who ran to Canada. Carter should have been tried for Treason. I may not be a Veteran, but I totally empathize with all of those Vets who suffered and ARE suffering to this day. God Bless them and God Bless America.
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As a three tour Vietnam Veteran Combat Infantryman, I agree with you especially the pardon of the a–holes who left the country for Canada or Sweeden. F them all!
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Been there, done that. Sargent, 1st of 501st, 101st Airborne. Bravo Company ‘68-‘69 L Z Sally, Tam Key, Chui Li, L Z Sandy, A. O. Hue to Red Ball Express and South China Sea to top of the mountains at Laois. Memories of past. Puff saved our asses a few nights. Swinging large parachute flares, made the jungle dance. Beautiful snake lines of red tracers, coming down from the dark night sky. Oh! So beautiful to watch and hear them whack the trees like hammers. Occasional green traces, going back up. Strobe light inside a inverted helmet. “ I can see your positions better now”, radio reply from Puff. Made us all feel warm and so thankful. We could never see Puff, but we all loved him so much. When the radio signal came in “Out of amo and flares and low on fuel, won’t be back tonight”! The real fear kicks in again and our safety net, slowly leaves. Our eyes grow wider and we listen harder, into the night, hoping for daylight soon.
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I’m sad. I’m sad that we humans did that to our men and boys, just boys, dying in a war created by thoughtless men in Washington. That was my era. And I went through it unscathed, untouched because I wasn’t a young man/boy with a draft card. In hindsight, now that I’m old and much wiser, I grieve for my young men/boys that were sent there to fight and/or die; my own brother, my friends, many people I knew or knew of. I have told my brother welcome home, way too late, but meaningful, none the less. Yeah, I read your article. And I’m sorry–because I was yoing then, part of. That time. And I will always be paid-for all of them and me.
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Big mistake to even go there. Not worth one soldiers death. France lost in their effort. Brave men did what their country asked them to do. The Generals lied, the US declared victory and left, and the military complex made a fortune.
We didn’t learn from the Korean War. China entered that war. The soldiers did what their country asked of them and we left.
Now there is war in Ukraine and the US is sending armaments with mechanics and instructor’s. Next, sending our soldiers is required. Nuclear war is emanate and the US is making the same mistakes.
We are the policemen of the world costing BILlIONS. Tax , Tax, and Tax the people.
Send the politicians to fight this war.
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I was a Medic ,
Recon Platoon
25th Infantry
Vietnam 67-68
I hear the screams ,smell the blood,see horrific battle wounds, see men dying looking at me ,putting them in body bags if available, every day mornings to the night….
Yes I think about Vietnam 67-68…
I was 19 years old …
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Not a combat soldier. Ran
MARS station AB8AE in An Khe, central highlands. Still lived the horror 366 days!
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Explains a lot about the reason my dad has no friends and would rather be alone. I was born when my dad was in Nam 53 years ago. I have my birth announcement he received in the middle of the jungle 2 weeks after my birth because it took that long to get it to him. I’d like to think that announcement helped get him through one more day until his homecoming, or lack of. Nam haunts him every day, you can see it in the stares he gives.
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was combat medic iraq not a day goes by don’t think about it many times have been close to ending the dreams and nightmares afraid to share the horrors or ever get close to anyone. it fucked me up was never the same person i left as..
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Helicopter crew chief and gunner—1st Phu Loi, next Bear Cat and finally Chu Lai (for TET)….1967/68…..lost several friends over there, one a best friend…..Lost a second best friend some years later to cancer due to Agent Orange and finally a 3rd best friend (LRRP) just about a year ago….He could take it no longer and killed himself…….Do I remember Viet Nam ???? Pretty much every day, fifty years later…… A person cannot go thru combat without it changing him some…..People who have not been in actual combat CANNOT really understand what it’s like….War takes a heavy toll on those that are in the fight, during and after….. I’m proud that I went at the time, but I now think of all the death and carnage as a waste….We walked away after 10 years and gave it back to the North, who came in and slaughtered millions……………………..War is definitely no good for those who are thrown into the middle of it……
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Tells it! And no matter how you try to explain it to someone who hasn’t been around that experience, they cannot get it. Well done.
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I never went to Nam but trained to go.leaving ranger training I was sent to a company at fort hood,I arrived the same time as soldiers coming back from nam.the training,sharing barracks with Nam vets was an experience I will never forget even scary.i seen the empty far off stares talked about in this story.
I will never put myself in same category as a Nam vet,but I was trained by Nam vets and lived with them seems the story’s rubbed off and although they were the same they were much different,like the ones that set silent compared to the ones that had served two or three terms in Nam that laughed at killing and told chilling story’s but that stare was still there.i was never in Nam but at times I feel like I was and still think about Nam every day so can imagine the scar left on the ones that went.
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I didn’t go to Nam. It brought Nam to the hospital, Naval Hospital San Diego. On our floor there were about 20 Wounded, a horrible thing to see, mostly in early tweens from bomb blasts. Go figure. 2 weeks of patient care training. I volunteered to go to Nam in July 73, but was not sent. I thought I would make a difference because I grew up with that kind of terrain in the Philippines.
From that time, how would they live their lives. I still think about them to this day. It just pop up in my mind. I am mostly to myself.
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They are correct you never stop thinking of Vietnam, it’s always there in the back of your mind. The buddies you made the one’s you lost.
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Since I was shot in the ass in Viet Nam,yes every time I sit down!
CSM Claud Dunn1/508th PIR 82nd Airborne Division.
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Very nicely written
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With tears of sadness & tears of joy, you have expressed my thoughts of so many years. I relive 1968 and 1969 every moment day and night. I to wished that it would of stopped yet afraid I would lose myself and my brothers at my side. I do not talk about those years, because they are in my head and I do not to share. I to have a daughter that is everything to me and wish my time there had made the world a better place. All it did was to turn a boy into a man that cannot share.
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I know how you feel I went by accident and stay 10 months it was no way a vacation
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Not Nam…OEF OIF. THOSE men who came back from nam new what they fought for were unsung heroes…we came home to more lies raised gas prices and a government that doesn’t give a fuck…they say they care no man left behind…but most of us are STILL there…
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With tears of sadness & tears of joy, you have expressed my thoughts of so many years. I relive 1968 and 1969 every moment day and night. I to wished that it would of stopped yet afraid I would lose myself and my brothers at my side. I do not talk about those years, because they are in my head and I do not to share. I to have a daughter that is everything to me and wish my time there had made the world a better place. All it did was to turn a boy into a man that cannot share.
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I have these same feelings every day. How can you explain to others that have never experienced a war. I never try too, because I can’t.
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Dust off medic. I sent this to my wife. It says things so much better than I can.
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Good stuff. I cried again after reading this.
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I had two brothers in Vietnam when came home one die about one after and second my pick in Tennessee went got off the plane he was In hospital clothes my dad and mom was mad as hell they took him to dollars store and got some clothes to wear how he gone now I miss them very bad but when they came home they was not my brothers it toke me year to understand and today I don’t know if understand I was in army to years after Vietnam thank you all for your service and God bless you all Donald cox
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Although not a Vietnam vet I can relate to the article.
A British army veteran.
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Could not read it all
Made me start thinking of Nam more. GARYOWEN 1ST OF THE 7TH
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I thought I was one of the few that goes through this. Those of us who were there know how true this man’s journey was and is. This is the first time I have read something that rings so true. The war changed us. That 19 year old kid will never be the same. I wish all my Vietnam “buddies” the peace we all deserve. God bless you all!
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3/17 Air Cav,, south Vietnam in the delta. I came home October 9, 1968
More vets should share what they feel I can close my eyes and I am there as many of the Vietnam Vets. I thank for sharing how you feel.
Welcome Home
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I Was born in 61 that make me 62 in 10 days 63 this may not touch most but I want to say THANK YOU
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My oldest brother was there in 65-66 he is my hero ,he has faced many hard times since but has become very successful over time,yes he wasn’t the brother he was before when he came back ,I wasn’t in the military but ever day I regret it ! There is nothing on this planet anymore important then taking care of our vets with our them we wouldn’t be FREE thanks to all vets young and old black and white man and woman 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸
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I was told by an E6 don’t make friends over there you will last longer.
So true Semper Fi tet 68 Allenbrook
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I was not there it made me cry to read. Thank you for your service
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A good honest read thankyou
Australia
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Itt never stops. I sleep when I can with a fan on high. Just the sound and the breeze is comforting. Never touch me whilst I am sleeping. My wife and kids call me from the Hallway when I may be still asleep.
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Nothing but the True Facts!! Hits home everyday
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It’s been fifty years,the dreams r still there. just not as often. God bless time.
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RIP PETE Always did & always will love you & I can not express my gratitude for service xoxo xoxo
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The Tonkin Gulf was not the deep shit the in country guys faced but, it was just as screwed up. As an AO I loaded rocket pods in the hundreds. CBU’s by the gross and missiles of many function. Helped put a lot of holes in the jungles of Vietnam. If it saved one guys life than it was worth it but, it surely did not save enough. I am not haunt by that fact I did what was asked. Now a 74 year old veteran reflects on the 19 year old surfer with not a care in the world who went to Vietnam. The face in the mirror tells me he did not return and it has been an interesting road Ive traveled. So at least once a day I think of the summer of 68 and know it was not a beach boys summer.
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My Dad was WW 2, it was the same for him. He had a shell around that part of his life that we weren’t allowed to enter. I went for my induction physical and couldn’t pass because I can’t hear high sounds. It was a blessing I reckon. Welcome home Sir, you were missed and you are loved.
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Right on point. I may not be back in Nam during the day, but I often am there in my dreams at night. Sadly, I am losing buddies to various diseases now. They are slowly heading off to new duty stations with Chesty Puller.
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I have the distinction of being a member of a family that had four brothers in Viet Nam at the same time…. three of us were in combat together….. the words within this article ring true….. and I have often been asked about my experiences in country…. it’s an experience that has never left me… from Hue.. to Quang Tri… Con Thien.. Khe Sahn … the Rocks Pile.. the Cua Viet River… LZ Evans… Dong Ha… Gio Lin… it is all there…. every day… I sleep with the television on all night.. so that the memories not the nightmares don’t creep up on me … I’m afraid to sleep… was I there… yeah I was and still am there…. I don’t think I will ever leave…. and the worse part is that we (the four brothers) mistakenly thought we were fighting for democracy and freedom…. instead we came back to hate…. we were not patriots… we were ……..
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I’m 75. Lost a lot of friends to that wAr. I love all of those who served. I’m sorry the way some were treated when they came home. So sorry that you relive it everyday. May god bless you everyday. You so deserve it.
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I was 2nd year ROTC Superior Cadet, had my Marine’s physical. I was Canadian. They wouldn’t let me into 3rd year. I got married between my Jr and Sr year 1965. Graduated and returned to Canada. I had a choice that so many of my friends did not.
I don’t have the dreams, but I have the thought “What if”.
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My dreams return me to my time in Vietnam. I wake, feeling a great anxiety. I search my home, knowing there’s no one there but I still search for danger. After years of counseling, it’s getting better. It doesn’t happen nightly any more. Maybe 4-5 times a month. But it’s there. I don’t allow myself to get close outside my family. Like in this story, my children are my reason to keep going!
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I wasn’t in Vietnam my dad was, and I tried to understand why he was the way he was. It wasn’t until I went off to the first gulf war and then every single conflict after that up to the second gulf war that I related to him and why he was the way he was. I have become like him and like the rest of the Vets that have gone lost and come back. It’s been nine years since I retired and twelve since my last deployment. I still have problems sleeping at night, jump at loud sounds, avoid boxes and dead animals on the roads. In fact yesterday somebody had an alarm go off on their phone that sound just like the “incoming siren “ we had in Iraq. It trigger me something dirty, my heart was racing, chest got tight, sweats, and hands started shaking. It took me a while to finally calm down. People at work were wondering what was wrong with me and couldn’t understand. I could never compare my stuff to the stuff you guys experienced but I do truly understand what you, my father and all the rest of the Vietnam vets are going through. My buddies, friends now, all stay in contact, some still call me “Doc”, and ask me for medical advice. I give it to them to the best of my knowledge and tell them I love them. We still have each others backs no matter where we are in the country.
Sorry about rambling on but this is my story, I have lost a few buddies in different parts of this world and I still carry them and think about them everyday, just like I think about being over there.
Thank you for writing this and helping me.
“Doc” Garza
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It hit home, it’s important to me to hear from the veterans and the experience that we share. Thanks!
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I can only imagine what it must have been like but the way u speak of buddies lost will always be there thank you for your service .
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Very well said a veteran
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It really depends on each person. I thought about it a lot for about 10 years. But in my late 30’s and up. not so much. But one thing i tried to learn was to think about the good time I had. Does no good to think about the bad. it is still their i just keep it over in a corner. But i’m sure if you were there you will never forget it.
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I had a brother that was in the United States Marine die in 1968 a black brother that got killed in his 11th month I think about him all the time I always wish that somebody knew him his name was Jerome Pryor they called him buck and he was 19
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It was like yesterday and my buddy lasted 2weeks tet 68 he was from Oregon
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Well said. Some things never leaves your memory.
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Wasn’t there. Couldn’t pass the physical. Article brought me to tears. Four ” Boozin’ Buddies ” of mine came home in a box. I was supposed to be a grown man but I cried like a baby at the funerals. Something about TAPS and those damn rifle shots that just cuts right through me. Another friend, who was there, asked to go with him to see “Platoon” because he knew I’d understand. I can only imagine what you went through and I pray for and love my Troops and Vets every day. God Bless you all. God Bless America.👍🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸✌❤
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Great article; although free from the combat zones, still struggle with the time in Nam the friends lost, and all the things I got to see that still trouble me like 6x’s lined up from the Phu Bai air port as far as the eye could see back toward Hue filled with body bags of U S Marines
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I spent thirty four months in Vietnam with 7th Marines . Your article hit home with me !
It’s a twenty four hour journey back there every day even with the shrinks and pills from the VA . Thank God for them as it helps me function as a ( normal adult ) . The savage is lurking under the surface and I hope he never is unleashed even in me in my seventy’s . The pain and rage has somewhat dulled over the years , but the survivors guilt will always haunt my mind !
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Yes it’s never very far away. Certain sounds or vibration is an instant trip back. We live about a mile from the hospital in town and I will know a chopper is coming in before my wife or grand-kids can hear it. In 2021 my wife and I went to a reunion of those stationed at Tuy Hoa. It has not only helped me but, it has helped my wife of 54 years understand better. The next one is this year and we are going. If anyone hasn’t been to any of your unit’s reunions I recommend it. In country 66-67 Try Hoa, 67-68 Pleiku.
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I was there in 66 with Dust Off in support of RoK troops as gunner and radio man
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It’s. True. I Live with. It every. Night Only Vets. Know how it Was God. Bless Then. All
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The truth as only one was there would know. SEMPER FI. QUANG TRI 68-69 & DANANG 70-71. WELCOME HOME BRO
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In some ways, WE NEVER LEFT VET NAM!! WHEN you go as a unit of 144 young men. And only 6 come home alive and in one piece. YOU UNDERSTAND this story to the fullest!! THANKS FOR YOUR SHARING, C/1/16 Rangers Sept 1965/Sept 1966. Attached to the BIG red one.
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I was on leave at home before going back to report back they called me up front and said in was going to Germany not Vietnam and thank each and everyone that did go do there part . Thank you real Veterans.
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the worst sgt. lost a lot of guys, didn’t get a scratch. still can’t understand two to the left die. one to the right full of sharple , me nocked out, not a clue. other bad days before and after. you said it all , thank you
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I guess I feel the same as you. Thinking about nam is something I do every day. It’s not that I dwell on it, some sound or smell we put me back in country. I try not to stay there but sometimes it’s hard to get away. Thanks for the story.
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I live vietnam everyday also after being wounded bad 1/8/69 that is my alive day as it is know and as you know you live thru it day by day
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I’m glad someone to finally put it out of there for everyone can may be understand it better what everyone over there went through. My husband was a marine over there and it was something he could not talk was about. God bless you!
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It seems we all made that mistake of getting to close to a buddy..
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You spoke the truth, people don’t want to hear the truth. I look at the wall in pictures and on my livingroom wall and think why, why did I come back whole but then I realize yes you came back but you live daily with it and will never forget it.
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I don’t think there’s an hour of any day that I don’t think of Nam. Three years of council ing in the 80’s taught me how to live with it and it doesn’t rule my life. But it also has made me the person that I am. For better or worse it’s a fact that I can not change
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Thank you John Podlaski. You eloquently deliver a message that, even after fifty plus years, many of us still relate to.
“Just last night”. Yes. Many, many nights.
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This got to me in that it is bare naked truth I was a combat Medic with the Cav in ’70. it was not enough for the powers that be in Nam. In early April of 70 we went into Cambodia. The thing that changed that day was thet they were realy dug in an awaiting our arrival We worked it for the rest of the month in an out of contact daily. Like I said I was a medic.DOC with all my 10 weeks of training But these were my kids. So I understand about your daughters. I died a little bit every time I lost one.
The worst day of my life was June 19,1970. Started out miserable.The Mo Co was cold. We walked for about an hour. One shot rang out I was moving before the sound of the shot went away I saw the kid go down i got there in under 30 seconds I rolled him over to check him he grabbed my Arm.He sighed and he was gone as I held him in my arms . I raged at the shooter,I raged at the fuckin Government,I raged at the army. As I gently placed him on the ground I saw the wound..Dead center of his forehead,just under the rim of his pot and slightly above his glasses. he had been a good kid.Sent to us from the big Red one where he was an armorer. the day before he repaired my Pistol so it would fire more than 1 round. Today he was now on his homeward bond trip.
We were in Indian Country.A lot of sign. we found a clearing,the bird came in an we put Robbie on as gently as we could. it was 9:30 in the morning as the bird lifted off
We knew every body in miles around now knew we were there which made it more dangerous. Another day in a realy shit war that none of could figgure it out as to why we were in this shit hole!
2 hours later we were into it again but this one was real bad. We were taking fire from the entire front an part of the right side poin man went down at the first burst. Another medic went down. I got rid of the pack an started out to get him. Looked like a quick trip out an back. But that turned into another horror. I almost reached him[almost dont count right?] I could almost touch his boot but then the zeroed in on me. An there I layed for a long time Finally a kid named Montoya crawled out with his 60 ad saved my life
I got back to the line an the capt jumped all over me for goin out there before he could set his lines. All I could tell hime was “,Ritchie needed me then not 2 hours from then”. He just put his hand on my shoulder an simply said ‘Well done Son”
We were in a mexican standoff. it took us 2 more days to get Ritchies body. 3 days total just hiding as best we could tossing frags as they were tossing those stupid frags of theirs at us. So on June 22 I finally got Ritchies body an we sent him on his long journey home.
As you stated I was never the same as the kid I went over there as. People who never did anything like this CANT UNDERDTAND that it is not just like turning off a switch. We were trying to kill some guys so that we did not get killed ourselves Thats as bare to the soul as you can go. DOC THOM C/2/5 Cav 1970
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Thank you for your thoughts. I was there in 1969, 1/5. I often think of the tragic losses and death seen. Can not overcome it.
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I was there in 69 also with 2/5 1St Marines/ 2531 mos I’m 72 and still having issues even with the drugs they give us.
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All l can write is Yes I was there. In fact I am there often as the article States. Viet Nam Combat Veterans are special people who love their country and most would do it all over again if needed.
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I flew fire fly at night, turning night to day. Charly liked shooting at my light. Then the cobras took them out. We fought a different kind war from you men on the ground. We gave you as much support as we could. I only pray we helped make your jobs a little easier. God bless all of you and hope you came back home.
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It will only go away when you do
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Yeah the memories never fade. The sights, the smells, the blood sweat especially the tears. My Vietnam buds loved them all. That 1,000 yard distant look. The smell of napalm. The silence of the night just before the fire fight. In the middle of nowhere. “Yes I still think about Vietnam, just last night”! After being looked at with disgust from so many people. I know that the times have changed, and am glad. But the memories will never be erased. I’m proud of my time in nam. But your right the loneliness lingers on! And my wife has made peace with it. I love her so much❤️She been to hell with me far too many times. She hates those days of silence that comes so often. But she stays and has loved me and brought me through so much crap!!
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I recently wrote a blog about the Vietnam War:
https://contoveros.com/2023/01/10/vietnam-war-peace-accord-50-years-old/
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Nice post, LT.
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My pleasure for more than 10 years my fellow Vietnam War veteran!
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What I read is so real. One thing I never hear a Vetran mention. Is the smell of gun power and blood at the end of a battle. It is so true Viet Nam doesn’t leave our minds very long . Only a few minutes. Thank you for your article.
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Its very power full. I lost friends to Vietnam . Had friends that came home but really didn’t. Although I never fought in any Wars I have seen what it does to those who have. I will go of my way to thank every Vet I see. They are our hero’s.Go bless all.
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Every American suffered from the Vietnam War. The loss of innocence, when we realized no country has a monopoly on war crimes. If they did evil things, our troops did worse. We owe those victims a heart felt apology.
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an excellent article. more than 50 years ago this war was the first thing on your mind in the morning and the last thing at night. it never goes away. one of the things i learned was that it brought out what was already in us. and for the rest of our lives it will affect us, what we became. and that goes for every clerk typist, grunt, or sailor. god help us all.
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Excellent o was never there but totally understand. Wish I could have been there to help out. I was on a nuclear submarine in the Med on patrols during that time safe and sound but my thoughts were with you guys all the time. god bless you and thank you for your sacrifices.
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How insightful and well written. Wish I could frame my thoughts as you do. But you did it for me; for us. Yep. It was last night.
Lindsay Jones
’69-’70
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Truth !! You never forget, yet can’t explain it ! RIP to all my buddies that didn’t make it home .
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Can’t stop going back either, been doing that since “67”. Article hits home for me.
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Truth it’s with you everyday walking dead. A.O.
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This takes me back to a daylightmeeting in September 0f 71 being told we were going up the hill we tried yesterday I would look at the faces because l wanted to remember them that way it is sometimes beyond my ability to understand how we are able to sadle up and put one boot after the other knowing what was waiting for us just good American boys doing what we had to do. God bless all you boys. Tommy Smith American 11th bde delta dogs
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I think it’s good I’m not completely crazy, the one instance I relive, ran up on a man don’t know who he was both arm’s knocked off and legs, hanging by small pieces of skin still alive, he would pull those legs and arms around and grown, don’t know weather he made it or not.
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68 – 69 pushed first wife down a flight of stairs & jumped on top of her when fireworks went off. Also kicked her out of bed during a dream. Kicked current wife out of bed in early 90s both during flashback dreams. Wives do get dirty end of the stick.
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Aman. My poor wife flew out of bed several times. I now go into another bedroom to sleep. Nam never goes away.
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Great depth, losing a “buddy” will never be lost in my memory. I often think of all I have done and what I have in my 75 years and what they never had a chance to be part of in their shortened life.
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It’s the things we carry.
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Heart wrenching!
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Very enlightening!!!!
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I was there, and I understand very well.
God Bless the Vet
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Very accurate. Came home April 7, 1970. Have always carried Vietnam inside me. Wasnt a grunt, worked at Bein Hoa.
Accepted into the Ohio State Highway Patrol. 29 years and retired. Just found out 20 years later that many of my fellow Troopers were Vietnam vets. We never knew, never brought it up. Unreal.
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Very painful I wasant there but my uncles were an I see it in them every time I’m with them
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Wow that is so true 😥 never goes away
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They will never understand.
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Well done I was not the guy in the bush I was the guy working on the f 4 phantom that brought it’s wrath to Charlie and may have kept some alive and paid the price in rockets at our work place and whare we stayed didn’t go through what you guys did and bless you but my answer to when were you there is every morning at 3 30 Danang 70/71
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Yes it hit so close to home I had to wait for the tears to stop before I could comment. I was there 69-70, and last night. Survivors guilt still sticks with me. Thanks for your article.
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Welcome home!
I am the spouse of a Vietnam Veteran. This article helped me to see that it is not just my husband, there are so many more men who frequently “visit” Vietnam. It has helped me to see him a diffent light. Thank you for sharing your story.
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wish i could share this
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sharing buttons are at the end of the article. Look for the social media icons.
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It’s the best description of PTSD I’ve ever read!! Very succinct in its ability to convey to someone like me who didn’t serve in a combat zone but knows what it’s like to be far from home serving his country! I thank you fellow veteran for your service and your SACRIFICE that you continue to endure for your country, our country and thank you to your wife for all that she’s been through yesterday and today for she served and sacrifices also.
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Very good and accurate. My sentiments exactly. It could have been written by me except my talents are not tainted to do such. Wonderful rendition of my time dealing with my remembrance of a platoon leader 21 years of age 3-Dec 1967—thru—4-Dec 1968. 9th Devision 4th 39th infantry. Thank you sir for your post.
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I remember a young soldier assigned to my M _60 crew after a couple of months we were ambushed outside of Siagon the night before he was notified of the birth of his baby girl and was to go to the rear to go home to visit, The next morning while on patrol we were ambushed I remember this like it was this AM I still have his timex watch His name is Franklin O Legget Fort Bragg N C
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everyday and the friends and buddys i lost i was 17 im now 70 hell of a long time still to have the shakes and sweats
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I couldn’t imagine what you all went threw even after reading your article. I thank all of you . I went in the marines in 1984 and my eye wouldn’t let me stay . Just the thought of were I was scared the hell out of me.
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I read the first paragraph and stopped. Simple put, there hadn’t been a single night that I have gone to bed and not drifted back to RVN.
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Well written article with totally open and honest human feelings of life of a combat veteran. Thank you for sharing
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This was dead on and like many I remember it like yesterday even after all these years. Like you I had no friends just guys in the team that week. I see the faces, but no names. I remember the smells as well and sometimes I get sick over those smells. Like you I have lived with this and continued life, Nam was yesterday every day. 69-70 USMC
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Nam. 65 66 thank you Buddy for allowing me and others to share that with with you. I’ve done the same as you Buddy. Learned to live with it. I’m more fortunate than most who came back. Am 77 years young now. Thank you for your service Sir
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SINCE I’M THERE EVERY DAY AND NIGHT MYSELF IT IS A FANTASTIC ARTICAL.
USMC 68-69
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Welcome home
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Walked point for nearly ten months – God saved my life over and over. I try to focus on all He has and is doing for me. Vietnam is starting to become a trigger to look at God’s bogger reality, several times a day!
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Lately, I’ve had the feeling that as I get older I’m thinking more about my time in Nam. Still get emotional about it. If asked about my time, I may tell something about what happened but never about what’s still with me. Once in a while I’ll teach an adult ed course on creative nonfiction. I may use your piece as an example. Its so well written.
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Tony, be my guest. Make certain you credit the author.
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Makes me sad and sorry for what they had to go thru
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Great article 👏 👍 I was there to just last night.
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It is a well written article. For those of us that ‘fought’ the war it was different for each of us. Personally, even were I to try to forget the dark days with the 25th Inf. in 68 applying my prosthetic each day and removing it at night will never allow me to forget the horrors of war and the true heroes I served with.
We were a hard lock Company with more than our share.
A CMH recipient, a DSC recipient, 2 Silver Star Grunts and some of us earned Bronze Stars but most all of us were Recipients of the Purple Heart. Yes, each of us has a story and deal with it the best we could….. and as for sleep, I’ve been doing watch ever since I left that place and released from Walter Reed. They taught us well. Keep writing….
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An outstanding story. I believe that everyone that stepped foot “In Country” has a story. Something will always come to mind. Some will be much more serious and mind bending than others. IMHO natural fear of losing ones life in a far away place was shared by everyone.
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WOW. I’ve read your stories before, always heart shaking. Thank you for what you’ve done and for what you’re doing now.
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Yes
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The Vietnam war is our war my Brothers…we all go there several times a day. We won that war but the politicians gave it back to the VC and NVA warriors. I have the upmost respect and admiration for these fighters. But we must hold our heads high and tell the young people coming up today to not forget this war we fought or any of the wars for that matter. Time to go back….rest easy tonight my Brothers…………….
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Jim, I salute you for your service. We fought well and we did our duty. We neither won or lost in RVN. We should never have been there. The Vietnam War was conceived in a lie. The Gulf of Tonkin incident was the lie to get us in and kill nearly 59,000 GI’s
How much damage you think a sampan could have done to the USS Turner Maddox?
Jim, they ended the war with so called ‘Peace With Honor’ but that was done to save the faces of those ill advised politicians who sent us off to fight and die.
JFK along with Truth were the 1st casualties of our war.
Welcome home brother, I wish you Peace but remember it was their country and they deserve to live the way they choose. They suffered under the Chinese, Japanese, French and we should have learned from their defeats , the Vietnamese would never be beaten.
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Most of our WWII vets are gone and now our Vietnam vets are leaving us, too. Youth of today need to know about our veterans and, especially, about our Vietnam vets before they are gone, too. A Vietnam vet friend of mine has written a book about being drafted and serving in Vietnam. The book is “The Storyteller: Live for Today and Look to the Future” by David L. Schapira. Next week he will be doing an interview for the Veterans History Project. Stories by our vets are being collected by the Library of Congress for posterity and research by others. We must not let Vietnam be a forgotten war. Over 58,000 young and old soldiers lost there lives. They chose to serve. Thank you to all have served! God bless.
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I was in Vietnam in the Central Highlands with C Trp 3rd Sqd 4th US Cav. 3/25 Sept66-67. About the only thing different about this story is I do not have two Daughters. The memories are still the same.
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I came across this again today and felt it’s impact upon me once more. Some of the truest, most eloquent words ever written. It’s been forty six years since that place that stays with me every day of my life. Just yesterday. Yes, just yesterday.
Welcome home, Brothers.
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The first thing I recalled staring to read this article was the night I arrived at the 11ARC Replacement center on my third trip to Vietnam and all of a sudden boom boom boom. Was told don’t worry that is our 122mm cannons firing. That shit was so loud that it lifted me right out of bed a few times for a few days. After that it came to a halt. They found out that I was improperly assigned to them and then they sent me to my proper area Aviation, what the hell the 25th Inf was not all that bad in the Aviation sector of Cui Chi and all the tunnels.
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Yes I do! At least once a day maybe more. I was in the 1st Air Cav. 68-69 infantry lived out in the jungle 25 to 27 days a month. We walked about 10 kilometers a day sleeping on the ground. Always got into a firefight. Oh yeah, I think about it..
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I served in Nam 67-68. Often watch The History Channel, including shows of Vietnam. One of my most vivid memories is the day I left. For weeks I didn’t feel as I thought I would, knowing I was finally going home. On my last day, it dawned on me what had been bothering me those last few days: It’s so hard to say good-bye. I knew I’d never again forge a bond with a group of guys like I had in Vietnam. Think of them daily.
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After retiring I found myself looking back on some of my life experiences. One of the most profound memories and opportunities to grow was at the 24th Evac Hospital. I started to dig through all my old stuff and found many old pictures of those days. I am not sure anyone would like a copy of them but I do have them.
I served as the only US Army Medical Equipment Serviceman (MOS-35G BioMed) from July 70 to July 71. My job was to service and repair all diagnostic and therapeutic equipment that the Hospital (24th Evac) and it’s attach facilities. I served under and with the Medical Supply Department along with the Motor Pool personnel. My Shop was located behind the Mess Hall in the Medical Supply building next to the Motor Pool and the Laundry building.
My stories and recollection of my time in Viet Nam and at the 24th Evac has help define who I am to this date. It was an experience that I will never forget…..
• I remember the relationships that were formed, and the Christmas and Holidays shared.
• I remember the beer cans and rocks that was tossed at the guy showing the movies at the pavilion… I know that because I was that guy! I was the Hospital Projectionist and I showed movies at the pavilion and at times the Officer Club. I could cut and splice film with the best. Also I was the guy that showed the Movie “MASH” when it first came out to the Hospital.
• I remember my rounds throughout the Hospital…OR, CS, ER…and all the Patient Wards collecting broken equipment and doing service visits.
• I remember going to a locale orphanage to repair their only X-ray unit and the beers shared in appreciation.
• I remember seeing the X-ray films on the viewing box of a rocket logged inside a person body and the stories that was told about the gallant people and the procedures to remove it.
• I remember helping and holding wounded into X-ray and interacting with an E6 (I believe he was the NCOIC of the X-ray Department) that had no hair on his arms because he would continually help and hold the wounded while being X-rayed without protective aprons or gloves. He was one that impressed me to this day. He put those guys first…..
• I remember the frequent (Duce and Half) truck trips to the Supply Depot for equipment service parts and the Hospitals oxygen bottle supply.
• I remember Bob Hope and his visit to Long Binh and how excited people were.
• I remember my phone calls home. I was a newly married E-4 with a wife and new born baby girl. I remember the words (I love you…Over… I love you too… Over..) Man we have come a-long ways.
I could go on and like you.. the stories we could tell…but I won’t.. I ended my Military service in 1975…. coming home after my deployment to Guam under the mission called Operation New Life. The mission was to help transition the Vietnamese Refugees at the fall of Saigon.
Thank you all for your service and being part of something that is so much bigger…
Sincerely
Bill Miller
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Bill, thank you for your thoughts and sharing with others who read this article. Welcome Home!
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every day
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Every day. It does not stop
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Every part of that story hits home. Every day,night and hour Vietnam comes back too me. At night can be the worst. Love? I am not sure I can let me Love someone. Sure I love my Wife my Son’s and Grand kids, But is it really love. I can about the deeply and would not evey want to be with out them but some where or some time Love ends and you don’t want it too. Does this make sense
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I wanted to forget though I was the only survivor in my point squad, No one else knew what really happened that day. If I forgot, no one would ever know. I walked point for another eight months as penance. I tried denying that it bothered me for thirty years. I held onto my job but close relationships and positive emotions were impossible.
I’m sick and tired of feeling helpless and a victom of the reality I never knew existed; where life is not fair, justice goes AWAL, and good is overshadowed by evil. It wasn’t right but it seemed I couldn’t change it and make life after Vietnam the way I desperately wanted it to be. Why couldn’t I just go back to lthe way life was before? I didn’t want to be changed by the war. No one warned me, I didn’t ask for this!
I don’t fit in with “normal” people; they don’t think about the thiings I do. Small talk seems so empty and trivial next to the horror and adrenaline overload of that other life which doesn’t go away.
God help me. I can’t do this by myself. “That’s right, you’ve tried it your way all these years, now, you want to try it my way?” I swear, fifteen years ago I heard that small voice, just like people say God can speak to them. If you’re curious what happened next, look for the book titled “Not Enough Tears” at Amazon books or ebooks.
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Thank you for writing down your thoughts about this article on my blog. I fully agree with your comments that our priority there was to protect one another during the war. It hurt when you lost someone and then survivor’s guilt plagued a person afterwards. Welcome Home Brother and God Bless! I will check out your book…
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Thank-you for passing this on to me. I appreciate it, and I want to welcome you home, too. David
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Vietnam was the culmination of a two-year nightmare for me. I fought NOT to go after I was drafted. Had ‘friends’ from my hometown who were there before me. One of my earliest childhood neighbors died there, several others were wounded, and didn`t want to talk about the war. So, when the army got me, I decided to go to all the military schools I could, in the States, in the hopes the war would end and I wouldn`t end up like my friends who had served. Honestly, I knew NOTHING about being in the military when I was drafted….never camped out….never fired a weapon. Eventually, I became a shake-and-bake graduate….went to Nam….was a platoon sergeant….humped the jungle for over ten months. Yeah, I became battle-hardened and battle-weary, but I was with my brothers, and we had to take care of each other. I felt my true mission in the war was to get all the men in my platoon home to their families, and losing some of them in combat was hard on me….still is. But, it was when I came home that I was truly confused and angry….protestors yelling and spitting in our direction as we walked through the airport….divorcing my newlywed wife, as we had grown apart….not wanting to tell anyone I was a Vietnam veteran for two years. I recently got the nerve to write and publish a book about my military experiences entitled The Storyteller: Live for Today and Look Toward the Future I used that title because that was what an old soldier told me when I got so upset with the protestors in the airport, and, sadly, those words were also the ONLY effort I remember, by the army, or anyone else, to acclimate me back to civilian life from being a jungle combat soldier. A few soldiers, who have gotten the book through the internet, have told me my stories brought back lots of memories for them….both bad and good. The changes I went through, in my two years in the army, were dramatic. And writing a book about what I endured was cathartic to me. We ALL need a way to cope with the memories of pain and suffering. Finishing my book has gone a long way to help put me at peace now, but I could never forget the turmoil and strife that Vietnam brought into my life….NEVER!
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Hello Mr. Schapira!
Today I ordered your book, and I am certainly looking forward to it. I was a student of yours in 1980, and I came across the information of your book from a school FB page. Although it was 34 years ago that I sat as a student in your class, I will never forget the stories that you shared with us. Since we were only 8th graders, the moments you shared were the G rated and funny ones, and the ones that didn’t cut too far into your core. Still as a 14 year old, I would watch you as you recanted these, and I could see the pain, and sometimes it seemed like you were far away. I remember a few tears that were shed when you didn’t think anyone was watching. I hope that sharing some of these memories with us was cathartic Mr. Schapira. and I’m so sorry what you went through upon your return. I don’t know if it means anything to you now, but I have always considered you a hero, and EVERY time I think of the Vietnam War, I can honestly say, I think of you. You have always been the person, and the face that has made all of the stories that I have heard over the years a reality. I have also thought of you so many times in the recent years since we have been at war, and lost so many lives. You affected my life and many others with your strength to share. Thank You! – Rhonda Jenkins (Rhonda Iles)
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Hi, Rhonda,
I absolutely remember you, and your brother Robert, too. I have you clearly pictured in my mind right now. I thank you so very much for your wonderful comments, and am very happy that I had a positive effect on you while you were in 8th grade. I remember you having a cheery personality, and a happy outlook on everything around you. You were one of the good ones. Thanks for purchasing my book. I feel honored.
By the way, Mr. Hart and I just returned from a trip to Las Vegas, where we had a rendevous with Mr Smith. (p.e. teacher at Clarendon) Hart and I like to reminisce about our former students, and I will let him know you made contact with you.
Thanks again, Rhonda, I really appreciate your kind words AND your buying of my book.
David
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The Viet Nam war put such a crack in me because of the impossibility of finding an untainted response to the war.
From the tunnels of Cu Chi to the land of Cambodia, the deepest fissures are still within me.
If there is a peace that passeth all understanding, the Viet Nam war may be the war that passeth all understanding.
Jim Riley
25th ID 1968/1969
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I don’t remember if I put clean undies on this morning, but I do recall almost every mission that I flew as a Huey crew chief…and I remember them in great detail. For years, I kept thinking these memories would go away a little at a time. They are still there in lining color and just as scarey. I finally decided to write a book about all these experiences. In order to write, I had to lay everything out just as it happened. I shed a lot of tears in the process, but it did help me understand myself a little better, especially when I am at the bottom of the hill, knowing I have to climb it again in order to feel well again. Overcoming PTSD takes not only a lot of time, but the big requirement is to open ourselves up to your spouse, children, a good friend or the Vet Centers or VA. Help is out there, but YOU are the one that has to decide to seek it. It also takes a lot of prayer. God can heal and pick us up when we fall flat on our face. I now believe the memories won’t go away, but I have learned to live with them better. This will be a whole new journey…Best of luck and God Bless you. Welcome home…and thank you for your sacrifices.
missionsoffireandmercy.com
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Thank you Bill for leaving this note on my blog. I agree with your comments 100% about opening yourself up to others in order to help through this journey in life. Both of us wrote books about our tours in Vietnam, it was not only an outpouring of emotions, but therapy as well. Welcome Home Brother! Let me know if I can help you with anything.
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Reading this is almost to much to bear. My father had two tours to Vietnam….Bearcat Camp the first time and Da Nang the second time. We lost him there – if not physically, then mentally – he was never the same after the second tour. I just wrote about him on my site: http://www.curbowfamily.wordpress.com. Thank you for posting this story – it is powerful and hurtful and healing all at the same time.
Judy
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Judy, thank you for posting on my blog. I did visit your blog site and read about your father, and how difficult it was for the family while waiting at home for his return. That is a side of war that is seldom talked about among veterans, as it was something we tried not to think about. However, after reading your blog, I have a hint about life on this side of the ocean. I would welcome your posting an article about this on my blog, I’m certain many of the vets visiting would enjoy reading it. If there is an interest, please contact me via email. / John
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Would love to send you something. How do I reach you by email? Best regards, Judy Curbow
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Judy send yo my email john.podlaski@gmail.com
On Mon, Feb 21, 2022, 4:47 PM CherriesWriter – Vietnam War website wrote:
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Judy: What year was your father at Bearcat. I was there in 67 until I got hit and sent back. I tried going back to fill my service obligation but was denied. When I got out I took pilot lessons to go back as a civilian pilot flying Cessna’s fixed wings as a “bird dog pilot”. I was not the same person when I got home and at fifty three it hit me like a ton of rocks. Thanks to one doctor who really helped me get back to where some of my friend didn’t make it. Cancer and suicide. I thank her to this day for her help. I was in helicopters at Bearcat (Uh-1D’s) so let me know the year your father was there. Thank you. Thank your father for his service from me, please
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Unfortunately – my father died young – at the age of 58 – colon cancer. Thank you for your kind comments. He would have been there 1966-67. We were living in Salina, Kansas – home of the waiting wives. He sent us pictures and cassette tapes. This obviously was pre-internet and technology. We didn’t get any phone calls home. It was a long sad year. His second tour was to Da Nang.
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“Welcome Home and Thank You for keeping us safe! Theare are so many unspoken heros we can be greatful for but thanks for putting it into words!
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A friend sent this page to me,,I’m glad I read it..I was just thinking of my Brother inn law,,DANNY K I A 7-22-70.he was a chopper pilot,, I was also thinking of some others,, NAM is a part of my life,,not a day goes by some thing comes to mind and I go back.. some times I ask myself why did I make it back?? I will never forget any of my fallen Brothers..
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Welcome Home Brother !!!
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lets comebacktogetherthanks for reminding me werenot aloneand still aint
oldhippie turned biker
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Nam will ALWAYS be a part of my life…every day and every night! Welcome Home!
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So powerful and eye opening. Thank you for sharing this.
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I have a freind who I fly fish with. During the night he often wakes with a start and sits right up in bed, sweat pouring off his face, even in winter. Usually I can see him in the darkened shadows of the tent carefully looking around, his eyes squinting in the dark, till he realizes just where he actually is. The first time this happened years ago, I asked him in the dark what was wrong. He just answered, ‘Nothing man. Not a damn thing. Just back in the Nam for a bit.’ NOw when this happens I just usually tell him quietly in the dark of the tent, ‘Welcome home pard.’ Most times when he wakes this way sleep is an elusive ghost for the rest of the night. Often, we just rise and sit by the fire then, sharing the quiet of the night and each others company. Those ghosts of buddies lost will be with him forever also. Like many he’s learned to welcome their presence and weather the storm of memories. Like so many he’ll never fully return from the Nam.
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Phoenix still hate McNamara. My folks think I was in sales.
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